A Tale of Two Friends

TWO FRIENDS, A LIBERAL AND A CONSERVATIVE WALK TO THE STORE.

Along the way, they both encounter a large crack in the sidewalk. They pause and examine the obstacle. The conservative runs and jumps over the crack. He twists his ankle a bit, but he’ll be ok. The liberal is reluctant to risk injury so he calls the government to ask for assistance. A government representative shows up and promptly offers to hold his hand as he jumps and thereby help him cross…for a $10 fee of course. The liberal agrees and the government representative holds his hand as he jumps. He makes it across unscathed.

The two men continue towards the store, but they soon encounter a sprinkler that is running and spraying the sidewalk with water. The conservative runs through the water. He gets wet and almost slips, but he makes it through the obstacle just fine. The liberal doesn’t want to get his clothes wet so he calls the government. A representative shows up and promptly offers to turn the water off…for a $10 fee of course. The liberal agrees, pays the fee and continues on his way once the sprinkler is turned off.

The two men continue walking down the sidewalk (a.k.a. “Life”), and they continue to encounter many obstacles. Each time, the conservative tries his best to negotiate the obstacle on his own – sometimes he makes it past without a scratch and sometimes he gets banged up a bit, but with each obstacle that he overcomes he becomes stronger and more proficient at negotiating the challenges he faces.

The liberal on the other hand continues to rely on the government’s assistance. Sure, he has made it just as far as the conservative, but he’s still just as soft and frail as when he started his journey…in fact, he’s gotten to where the government is on speed dial and, as soon as there is even a hint of trouble along the path, he begins to reach for his phone.

They are close to the store now, but there is one final obstacle. A child has left his bicycle laying on the ground and it blocks the sidewalk. The conservative, who is now so proficient at bypassing these obstacles contemplates doing a triple front flip over the bike, but instead just walks around it. The liberal, who has already called the government, stands beside the bike and waits patiently. The government representative shows up and offers to move the bike…for the usual $10 fee of course. The liberal reaches into his pocket but comes up short. “I don’t have $10”, says the liberal. The conservative watches as the government agent whispers into the liberal’s ear, they both smile and shake hands, and the agent moves the bike to the side and the liberal walks on.

The two men do their shopping and soon they exit the store with their groceries, and begin to head back to their homes. The conservative looks ahead and sees that the path home is filled with government agents! They approach the bicycle. The government agent moves the bike, and the liberal walks past (a process which takes approximately 13 minutes by the way). The conservative rolls his eyes and begins to just walk around the bicycle, but he gets stopped by the government agent. The agent says, “sir, you may walk around as you did before, or you may take advantage of my services and let me move the bicycle for you, but either way you owe me $20.” 

The conservative asks, “why do I have to pay you? And why is my fee $20 when his was only $10?!” 

The agent replies, “well your liberal friend has banded together with his other liberal friends and they have voted to make government assistance mandatory. Your fee is $20 because he no longer has any money so you will now be covering the cost of his mandatory assistance as well as your own.” 

The conservative yells at his friend, “why the Hell would you do this?! I could have gotten home just fine on my own, but now I’m going to go broke paying these fees every time there’s a bump in the road!” 

The two friends continue to walk together, but the conservative has trouble keeping pace – after all, he’s the one who has to stop and pay the double fee at each ridiculous obstacle.

As the men approach the last obstacle, the crack in the sidewalk, the conservative checks his wallet and now he’s out of money too! He asks his liberal friend, “hey, I just realized, you were broke before you went in the store…how could you afford those groceries after paying the government so much along the way?” 

The liberal pulls out a big red credit card and says, “I used my government issued credit card!” 

The conservative looks at the card and asks, “why is it red with a big star and says ‘China’ on it?” 

The liberal says, “don’t worry about that, our kids will pay it off.”

The conservative is stunned at what he just heard, but right at that moment the government agent comes up and asks for the $20 fee to help get over the crack. “I can’t afford the fee this time”, says the conservative.

The agent quickly pulls out another red credit card, “oh, feel free to use this now.”

The conservative has reached his breaking point. He asks the government agent, “what if we took all these fees replaced your absurd government jobs with programs that would teach and incentivize people to start dealing with the obstacles on their own? After all, I did it on my own…it was tough at first but I handled each obstacle WAY better than the government ever could, and I wasn’t broke when I got to the store!”

The liberal overheard his conservative friend and he got very mad. He rushed over and yelled, “You are a racist! You obviously must hate people! Where is your compassion?! Don’t talk to me again until you’ve regained your humanity!” Then, as the conservative stood there stunned and amazed at the childish outburst, he watched in amazement as the liberal stepped off to the side, announced he was in his “safe zone”, and then proceeded to throw his groceries to the floor, yell, cry, and burn the American flag. 

The conservative stands there in disbelief. His mouth opens and he is clearly trying to say, “what…the…fuck?”, but no words are actually coming out of his mouth. “What the Hell just happened”, he thinks to himself, “it’s just a walk to the grocery store.”